can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
