the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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