life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
