dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
