i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Randomize
