o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
