it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
