I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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