I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
