I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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