I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
