the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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