i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
