If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
