There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
