I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
