he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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