Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
