did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Randomize
