I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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