its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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