I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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