Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
