Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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