im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
we're so committed to being not committed
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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