also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
