Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
