so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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