I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
