Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
