good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
