Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
