Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
