i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
