Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
