Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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