her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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