i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
