Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
