end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
