Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
