I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
