I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
