my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
