we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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