He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
