So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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