we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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