I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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