You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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